Cleveland Misery

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Semi-annual Fuck You award


The monthly fuck you award is a prestigous achievement to say the least. Below is a list of our previous winners:
Ray Lewis
Dennis Northcutt
Roger Brown
George W. Bush
Butch Davis
Dr. Navratil
Dick Cheaney
George W. Bush
Romeo Crennel
ugly girls (and fat girls)

So who wins it this month? WE HAVE A TIE!

1a. Time Warner Cable. Now i know you are thinking, "Mitch, all cable companies are competent and have their customers best interests in mind at all times". Sorry to say, this was not the case. Let's break down what happened yesterday, October 28th, 2006:
1st: they give me the wonderful 8AM-5PM time slot. Thanks fucksticks.

2nd: some guy, sounding like a voicebox on speed, calls me, says he is almost there. This is 12:30. Not too bad. I proceed to tell him I have no cable outlets in my house. He then says he will have to come around "between 4 and 5 PM" because my job would take longer and he wanted to finish the others first. Fair enough.

3rd: Go back to my parents house, 10-15 minutes away. Get a call @ 1:45, saying a TW repair guy is at my house. I tell the operator that I was told he would be there between 4 and 5 but cool. Tell him I will be there ASAP. She asked if he could go in the house, I said yes, I will be there in 5-10 minutes. She talked to the dude. 5 minutes later, she says he is going to leave. I beg and plead with her. "tell him I will be there in 1 minute". she clicks over, tells him, then tells me he will wait another 5 minutes. I say tell him I am pulling in in 1 minute.

4th: I pull in, and what do I see? I nice little go fuck yourself note from Time Warner:" Sorry We Missed You!" Kiss my ass.

5th:I called them and they said there was nothing they could do, that I would have to reschedule for Wednesday between, wait for it.... 8AM-5PM!!! Yes!! another day wasted, waiting for the cable company. I fucking love it!

1b. Maurice Carthon.

an inside look at carthon's playbook (courtesy obr.com)



I don't mean to hop on the guy, considering he was axed this week, but seriously, does he smoke crack? As a former fullback, Carthon tried ever so hard to make his FB's (as in plural) become the focal points of the offense. Lawrence Vickers, FB and 6th round pick of the 06 draft, said about Maurice: "I'm going to miss Carthon. He was kind of a mentor to me. We talked about a lot of things, football-wise and life." Surely Vickers' jests. What could you guys possibly be talking about? How you think that Terrelle Smith should run a reverse pass-option, hitting you in the end-zone? Here is an idea: instead of talking about life, perhaps you should concentrate on gaining one fucking yard on 4th and 1 and not on getting stuffed like a drunk girl at a frat party. Yes, the players need to make plays. But the coaches need to at the very least appear to know what they are doing. Jeff Davidson, former OLine coach takes over the playcalling duties. Daidson said he will call from upstairs in the booth. Carthon liked to be on the field, often not even watching the play. Now why would a guy like Davidson want to call plays from a birds-eye view where he can see the entire field? It makes too much sense for this organization.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Hi, remember me??




Sorry, it's been about a month. Last time we checked, i got a girlfriend, Indians have been eliminated, and The Cleveland 'football' Browns suck. So let's recap what has happened in the past few weeks:
1. Mo "Goose" Clarett is serving 3 years in the state pen. Congrats! Unfortunately, Mo is not the first in his faimly to go to jail. Sorry for the dissappointment Mo.
2. Indians eliminated...before the season. One word: Bullpen BullpenBullpenBullpenBullpenBullpenBullpenBullpen. And a free agent bat if you want. BTW, Sizemore is a freak of nature. It's as if he is the Kunta Kinte of baseball (minus the whipping part).
3. The Browns. Well, what can I really say that has not been said. Bodden, Winslow, Frye, Edwards. Fearsome foursome! And...............we are 0-3 : ( Suffice to say, the Browns suck ass...major ass. Last week against the Ravens was 1.an anomoly 2. the apocolypse 3. typical. Regardless, The Browns played pretty decent and now have 3 potential pro bowlers in Winslow, Edwards, and Bodden. Frye is tied for the league in rushing TD's. On the bright side, the Browns always wanted an elite rusher!
4. tOSU Buckeyes, coming to a town near you! Not gonna dwell, but Troy looks sick, just sick. and how bout them Scarlet Knights! 5-0 baby!...more to come...so stfu

Saturday, August 26, 2006

The Browns are flippin sweet, gosh!


Hey dipshit, it's not a FG.



The Browns are showing their true colors as of late (no, not shit brown). They beat the Buffalo Jills 20-17 on Saturday night, improving their pre-season record to 2-1. Yes, i understand it is pre-season. Yes, I understand these games are as pointless as going to a bar and ordering water. But there were definately some positives to look forward to.
1. Kellen Winslow did not get hurt.
2. Braylon Edwards did not get hurt. (side note: BE looked pretty f'ing sweet. Knocking dudes around like Albert Belle with his girlfriend, catching balls and breaking tackles. Good stuff).
3. Nobody significant got injured (However, Sean Maher, not to be confused with pop artist Jon Mayer got hurt). Anyways, they both suck ass so who gives a shit.
4. Willie Green looked like Jim Brown, minus the ability and future potential. In all seriousness, Willie looked great against the 3rd stringers
5. Jerome "Ghost" Harrison. Nuff said. This kid is a freak, has always been a freak, and always will be a freak. This kid excites me more than a George Bush press conference (and yes, he is stupid).
6. Derek "The Enigma" Anderson pretty much locked up the back up spot. When this kid comes in, I don't know if I should run and head for cover, or marvel at his field gun of an arm. Regardless, he led us to a W.
And finally...
7. Bernie Kosar. Ok, so let me just say that, like Albert Belle, I loved Bernie Kosar when I was a child. With that said, Bernie should have remained a memory and should have never come back to Cleveland to do color commentary for the Browns pre-season games. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Is he coked up? Is he liquored up? Is he using a voice box? Or is a combination of all 3? His wife claimed Bernie displayed 'increasingly bizarre and erratic behavior and various other addictions'. Addictions to what, sounding like an asshole on live TV, embarrassing and tarnishing his image to Browns fans world wide? Here is an idea: before you ask a Cleveland icon to do commentary, make sure he is not insaine. Thanks.

GO BROWNS!

Friday, August 25, 2006

Me=Sad


"Homeboy don't play that, bitch"


We tend to idolize athletes or famous figures when we are children. For instance, I idolized the biggest prick-asshole, scumbag, piece of shit person this side of Terrell Owens: Albert Belle. Not only was he a dickhead, but he celebrated it. Albert Belle terrorized pitchers with his famous staredown. Unfortunately, he also terrorizes members of the opposite sex (along with touching them innaproporiately). Albert Belle was sentenced today to 3 months in jail and 5 years of probation for stalking his ex-girlfriend. This is where I have a problem. You see, to Albert, stalking is a relative term. Is is a crime to protect someone? Belle's former girlfriend told police in January that she discovered a Global Positioning System tracking device that had fallen off her car. Umm, hasn't she ever heard of a fucking surprise? The world is a dangerous place. You can never be too safe nowadays.
She also said Belle had threatened her. Well, would you not be a TADDD upset if your significant other didn't appreciate the tracking device you nicely placed on her car without her knowing? Girls just don't acknowledge chivalry anymore.
While Belle may have a had a few problems in his past (suspended in 1994 for using a corked bat, fined in 1990 for throwing a baseball into the stands where it struck a fan who had been taunting him about his alcohol rehab, chased down rowdy trick-or-treating vandals who were celebrating Halloween by throwing eggs at his home, bumping one of the vandals with his car), he should NOT be made into a monster. In fact, he should be given an I Care About My Bitch award. Those tracking devices are expensive as hell and she just blew it off like he was stalking her. I'm calling Bullshit. Anyways, stay proud, Joey, and don't let the man keep you down. Two rules to follow while locked up: don't drop the soap and keep your ass clinched at all times. Good luck and god bless.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Death to Israel!


"Haha... you think I'm funny muthafucka?"


This is fucking great. Apparently, Maurice Clarett's lawyer is now claiming that Big Mo has ties to the Israeli Mafia. From ESPN:
Maurice Clarett was bankrolled by an alleged member of an Israeli crime organization after leaving Ohio State, ESPN has learned, and Clarett's attorney said Thursday that his client may have been in possession of firearms last week to protect himself against mob activity.
So he ISSSSS fighting crime in the Middle East! We feel that the jokes are plentiful and this is too easy to make an actual funny line about the new situation. With that said, the sitcom that has become Maruice Clarett is getting pretty serious and extremely sad. Get better and no more hatchet's douchebag.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Ohh No, now Alonzo



This is what steroids will do to you


The Browns Center position is laughable at this point. Alonzo Ephraim, the latest Center casualty for the Browns, has been suspended for 4 games for violating the leagues substance abuse policy. The list of substances banned by the NFL are roids, ephedrine, crack, boom, crank, weed, heroin, crystal meth, uppers, downers, I think peyote, and anything in Maurice Clarett's car.
The Browns are down to 2 centers: Rex Tucker and Rob Smith. It should be mentioned that Smith is currently injured with a high ankle sprain and is out indefinately. Seriously god, enough is enough. This is gay.

Thursday, August 10, 2006


HELP WANTED



On April 28th, the Cleveland Browns traded Center Jeff Faine and their 2nd round pick to the Saints so they could move up and take D'Qwell Jackson, ILB from Maryland. Prior to this move, the Browns aquired LeCharles Bentley, Cleveland native and pro-bowl center. On that same day, the Browns aquired Bob Hallen for insurance purposes. Fast-forward to August 8th. LeCharles Bentley is out for the season because he stepped on a blade of grass the wrong way. Insert Bob Hallen, career back up who now has a chance to shine and make a name for himself. So what does he do? He leaves the team because he cannot handle the pressure of starting at Center. Now I know the running joke is who would want to start for the Browns, but this is not your old Cleveland team. This team actually has a chance to do something, especially on the defensive side of the ball, and this asshat runs and hides like a fucking girl cause starting is too demanding for him. Well Bob, we all have our problems. One of them is you. You are a piece of shit. You quite on your coaches, your teamates, and most importantly, the fans who pay your submissive ass. The reports are Bob has a back problem and some personal problems at home. If this is indeed the case, then i hope you get better. But I doubt this to be true. I think you are just a huge puss. Visit the gyno. They might be able to get the sand out of your vagina. Seriously, eat a dick.

You are annoying me Andy

"Here, take it! Please!"



Andy Marte is pissing me off. You know why? He has 3 hits in 26 AB's, with an aggressive .115 batting average. His glove looks decent, but the way in which the Indians have handled this situation reminds me of another great picture (load up on Taco Bell, look in the toilet, and you'll see the picture). Maybe Wedge needs to grow a fucking mullet. Who knows. Anyways, Marte needs to be playing every day in every possible situation, not taken out for Todd "The Beefcake" Hollandsworth in a clutch situation. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Cannot wait for the browns to start (umm, do we even have a Center?) more to come on that tomorrow.
W.T.F.




Whatever you want to say, the artist formally known as Maurice Clarett is a tool. In fact, he is a hatchet. Maurice, or "Mo", was pulled over last morning (4 in the AM) because of an illegal U-Turn. Big Mo tried his hardest to outrun the cops, but, much like his combine, Mo failed to impress. After the cops stopped him by placing spikes down, they realized that this was no ordinary chase. Apparently, Mr. Badassmotherfuck had a bottle of vodka, 3 handguns, a loaded AK-47, and a HATCHET in his front seat. Ohhh, It gets MUCH better. The cops tried to subdue Mo by tazering him (always a good time). Unfortunately, their device was ineffective against the power that is Mo. You see, Mo had a BULLET PROOF VEST on. Let's recap: 3 handguns, a loaded AK-47, a bullet proof vest, a bottle of vodka, ANDDDDDD (drum-roll)....a hatchet. So here is my question: What the fuck was the hatchet for? Was he gonna go scalp an Indian? Either Mo was going to Iraq to fight the Taliban OR he was looking for the woman who was going to testify against him (he was supposedly a few blocks away from her house). Inside information has told me Mo was a big time drug dealer in Warren. Perhaps he was going Tony Montana on someone...who knows. Either way, a fun game has now been invented: over/under 15 years for Mo.