Cleveland Misery

Semi-annual Fuck You award

2006-10-29T12:06:00.000-05:00

The monthly fuck you award is a prestigous achievement to say the least. Below is a list of our previous winners:
Ray Lewis
Dennis Northcutt
Roger Brown
George W. Bush
Butch Davis
Dr. Navratil
Dick Cheaney
George W. Bush
Romeo Crennel
ugly girls (and fat girls)

So who wins it this month? WE HAVE A TIE!

1a. Time Warner Cable. Now i know you are thinking, "Mitch, all cable companies are competent and have their customers best interests in mind at all times". Sorry to say, this was not the case. Let's break down what happened yesterday, October 28th, 2006:
1st: they give me the wonderful 8AM-5PM time slot. Thanks fucksticks.

2nd: some guy, sounding like a voicebox on speed, calls me, says he is almost there. This is 12:30. Not too bad. I proceed to tell him I have no cable outlets in my house. He then says he will have to come around "between 4 and 5 PM" because my job would take longer and he wanted to finish the others first. Fair enough.

3rd: Go back to my parents house, 10-15 minutes away. Get a call @ 1:45, saying a TW repair guy is at my house. I tell the operator that I was told he would be there between 4 and 5 but cool. Tell him I will be there ASAP. She asked if he could go in the house, I said yes, I will be there in 5-10 minutes. She talked to the dude. 5 minutes later, she says he is going to leave. I beg and plead with her. "tell him I will be there in 1 minute". she clicks over, tells him, then tells me he will wait another 5 minutes. I say tell him I am pulling in in 1 minute.

4th: I pull in, and what do I see? I nice little go fuck yourself note from Time Warner:" Sorry We Missed You!" Kiss my ass.

5th:I called them and they said there was nothing they could do, that I would have to reschedule for Wednesday between, wait for it.... 8AM-5PM!!! Yes!! another day wasted, waiting for the cable company. I fucking love it!

1b. Maurice Carthon.

an inside look at carthon's playbook (courtesy obr.com)

I don't mean to hop on the guy, considering he was axed this week, but seriously, does he smoke crack? As a former fullback, Carthon tried ever so hard to make his FB's (as in plural) become the focal points of the offense. Lawrence Vickers, FB and 6th round pick of the 06 draft, said about Maurice: "I'm going to miss Carthon. He was kind of a mentor to me. We talked about a lot of things, football-wise and life." Surely Vickers' jests. What could you guys possibly be talking about? How you think that Terrelle Smith should run a reverse pass-option, hitting you in the end-zone? Here is an idea: instead of talking about life, perhaps you should concentrate on gaining one fucking yard on 4th and 1 and not on getting stuffed like a drunk girl at a frat party. Yes, the players need to make plays. But the coaches need to at the very least appear to know what they are doing. Jeff Davidson, former OLine coach takes over the playcalling duties. Daidson said he will call from upstairs in the booth. Carthon liked to be on the field, often not even watching the play. Now why would a guy like Davidson want to call plays from a birds-eye view where he can see the entire field? It makes too much sense for this organization.

Hi, remember me??

2006-09-30T23:09:00.000-04:00

Sorry, it's been about a month. Last time we checked, i got a girlfriend, Indians have been eliminated, and The Cleveland 'football' Browns suck. So let's recap what has happened in the past few weeks:
1. Mo "Goose" Clarett is serving 3 years in the state pen. Congrats! Unfortunately, Mo is not the first in his faimly to go to jail. Sorry for the dissappointment Mo.
2. Indians eliminated...before the season. One word: Bullpen BullpenBullpenBullpenBullpenBullpenBullpenBullpen. And a free agent bat if you want. BTW, Sizemore is a freak of nature. It's as if he is the Kunta Kinte of baseball (minus the whipping part).
3. The Browns. Well, what can I really say that has not been said. Bodden, Winslow, Frye, Edwards. Fearsome foursome! And...............we are 0-3 : ( Suffice to say, the Browns suck ass...major ass. Last week against the Ravens was 1.an anomoly 2. the apocolypse 3. typical. Regardless, The Browns played pretty decent and now have 3 potential pro bowlers in Winslow, Edwards, and Bodden. Frye is tied for the league in rushing TD's. On the bright side, the Browns always wanted an elite rusher!
4. tOSU Buckeyes, coming to a town near you! Not gonna dwell, but Troy looks sick, just sick. and how bout them Scarlet Knights! 5-0 baby!...more to come...so stfu

The Browns are flippin sweet, gosh!

2006-08-26T21:19:00.000-04:00

Hey dipshit, it's not a FG.

The Browns are showing their true colors as of late (no, not shit brown). They beat the Buffalo Jills 20-17 on Saturday night, improving their pre-season record to 2-1. Yes, i understand it is pre-season. Yes, I understand these games are as pointless as going to a bar and ordering water. But there were definately some positives to look forward to.
1. Kellen Winslow did not get hurt.
2. Braylon Edwards did not get hurt. (side note: BE looked pretty f'ing sweet. Knocking dudes around like Albert Belle with his girlfriend, catching balls and breaking tackles. Good stuff).
3. Nobody significant got injured (However, Sean Maher, not to be confused with pop artist Jon Mayer got hurt). Anyways, they both suck ass so who gives a shit.
4. Willie Green looked like Jim Brown, minus the ability and future potential. In all seriousness, Willie looked great against the 3rd stringers
5. Jerome "Ghost" Harrison. Nuff said. This kid is a freak, has always been a freak, and always will be a freak. This kid excites me more than a George Bush press conference (and yes, he is stupid).
6. Derek "The Enigma" Anderson pretty much locked up the back up spot. When this kid comes in, I don't know if I should run and head for cover, or marvel at his field gun of an arm. Regardless, he led us to a W.
And finally...
7. Bernie Kosar. Ok, so let me just say that, like Albert Belle, I loved Bernie Kosar when I was a child. With that said, Bernie should have remained a memory and should have never come back to Cleveland to do color commentary for the Browns pre-season games. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Is he coked up? Is he liquored up? Is he using a voice box? Or is a combination of all 3? His wife claimed Bernie displayed 'increasingly bizarre and erratic behavior and various other addictions'. Addictions to what, sounding like an asshole on live TV, embarrassing and tarnishing his image to Browns fans world wide? Here is an idea: before you ask a Cleveland icon to do commentary, make sure he is not insaine. Thanks.

GO BROWNS!

Me=Sad

2006-08-25T17:37:00.000-04:00

"Homeboy don't play that, bitch"

We tend to idolize athletes or famous figures when we are children. For instance, I idolized the biggest prick-asshole, scumbag, piece of shit person this side of Terrell Owens: Albert Belle. Not only was he a dickhead, but he celebrated it. Albert Belle terrorized pitchers with his famous staredown. Unfortunately, he also terrorizes members of the opposite sex (along with touching them innaproporiately). Albert Belle was sentenced today to 3 months in jail and 5 years of probation for stalking his ex-girlfriend. This is where I have a problem. You see, to Albert, stalking is a relative term. Is is a crime to protect someone? Belle's former girlfriend told police in January that she discovered a Global Positioning System tracking device that had fallen off her car. Umm, hasn't she ever heard of a fucking surprise? The world is a dangerous place. You can never be too safe nowadays.
She also said Belle had threatened her. Well, would you not be a TADDD upset if your significant other didn't appreciate the tracking device you nicely placed on her car without her knowing? Girls just don't acknowledge chivalry anymore.
While Belle may have a had a few problems in his past (suspended in 1994 for using a corked bat, fined in 1990 for throwing a baseball into the stands where it struck a fan who had been taunting him about his alcohol rehab, chased down rowdy trick-or-treating vandals who were celebrating Halloween by throwing eggs at his home, bumping one of the vandals with his car), he should NOT be made into a monster. In fact, he should be given an I Care About My Bitch award. Those tracking devices are expensive as hell and she just blew it off like he was stalking her. I'm calling Bullshit. Anyways, stay proud, Joey, and don't let the man keep you down. Two rules to follow while locked up: don't drop the soap and keep your ass clinched at all times. Good luck and god bless.

Death to Israel!

2006-08-18T09:52:00.000-04:00

"Haha... you think I'm funny muthafucka?"

This is fucking great. Apparently, Maurice Clarett's lawyer is now claiming that Big Mo has ties to the Israeli Mafia. From ESPN:
Maurice Clarett was bankrolled by an alleged member of an Israeli crime organization after leaving Ohio State, ESPN has learned, and Clarett's attorney said Thursday that his client may have been in possession of firearms last week to protect himself against mob activity.
So he ISSSSS fighting crime in the Middle East! We feel that the jokes are plentiful and this is too easy to make an actual funny line about the new situation. With that said, the sitcom that has become Maruice Clarett is getting pretty serious and extremely sad. Get better and no more hatchet's douchebag.

Ohh No, now Alonzo

2006-08-16T16:08:00.000-04:00

This is what steroids will do to you

The Browns Center position is laughable at this point. Alonzo Ephraim, the latest Center casualty for the Browns, has been suspended for 4 games for violating the leagues substance abuse policy. The list of substances banned by the NFL are roids, ephedrine, crack, boom, crank, weed, heroin, crystal meth, uppers, downers, I think peyote, and anything in Maurice Clarett's car.
The Browns are down to 2 centers: Rex Tucker and Rob Smith. It should be mentioned that Smith is currently injured with a high ankle sprain and is out indefinately. Seriously god, enough is enough. This is gay.

2006-08-10T14:51:00.000-04:00

HELP WANTED

On April 28th, the Cleveland Browns traded Center Jeff Faine and their 2nd round pick to the Saints so they could move up and take D'Qwell Jackson, ILB from Maryland. Prior to this move, the Browns aquired LeCharles Bentley, Cleveland native and pro-bowl center. On that same day, the Browns aquired Bob Hallen for insurance purposes. Fast-forward to August 8th. LeCharles Bentley is out for the season because he stepped on a blade of grass the wrong way. Insert Bob Hallen, career back up who now has a chance to shine and make a name for himself. So what does he do? He leaves the team because he cannot handle the pressure of starting at Center. Now I know the running joke is who would want to start for the Browns, but this is not your old Cleveland team. This team actually has a chance to do something, especially on the defensive side of the ball, and this asshat runs and hides like a fucking girl cause starting is too demanding for him. Well Bob, we all have our problems. One of them is you. You are a piece of shit. You quite on your coaches, your teamates, and most importantly, the fans who pay your submissive ass. The reports are Bob has a back problem and some personal problems at home. If this is indeed the case, then i hope you get better. But I doubt this to be true. I think you are just a huge puss. Visit the gyno. They might be able to get the sand out of your vagina. Seriously, eat a dick.

You are annoying me Andy

2006-08-10T00:41:00.000-04:00

"Here, take it! Please!"

Andy Marte is pissing me off. You know why? He has 3 hits in 26 AB's, with an aggressive .115 batting average. His glove looks decent, but the way in which the Indians have handled this situation reminds me of another great picture (load up on Taco Bell, look in the toilet, and you'll see the picture). Maybe Wedge needs to grow a fucking mullet. Who knows. Anyways, Marte needs to be playing every day in every possible situation, not taken out for Todd "The Beefcake" Hollandsworth in a clutch situation. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Cannot wait for the browns to start (umm, do we even have a Center?) more to come on that tomorrow.

2006-08-10T00:07:00.000-04:00

W.T.F.

Whatever you want to say, the artist formally known as Maurice Clarett is a tool. In fact, he is a hatchet. Maurice, or "Mo", was pulled over last morning (4 in the AM) because of an illegal U-Turn. Big Mo tried his hardest to outrun the cops, but, much like his combine, Mo failed to impress. After the cops stopped him by placing spikes down, they realized that this was no ordinary chase. Apparently, Mr. Badassmotherfuck had a bottle of vodka, 3 handguns, a loaded AK-47, and a HATCHET in his front seat. Ohhh, It gets MUCH better. The cops tried to subdue Mo by tazering him (always a good time). Unfortunately, their device was ineffective against the power that is Mo. You see, Mo had a BULLET PROOF VEST on. Let's recap: 3 handguns, a loaded AK-47, a bullet proof vest, a bottle of vodka, ANDDDDDD (drum-roll)....a hatchet. So here is my question: What the fuck was the hatchet for? Was he gonna go scalp an Indian? Either Mo was going to Iraq to fight the Taliban OR he was looking for the woman who was going to testify against him (he was supposedly a few blocks away from her house). Inside information has told me Mo was a big time drug dealer in Warren. Perhaps he was going Tony Montana on someone...who knows. Either way, a fun game has now been invented: over/under 15 years for Mo.

The Indians win it! The Indians win it!

2006-08-04T17:25:00.000-04:00

" Annyeonghi kaseyo, yagu!"
(translation: look it up yourself)

Yes, the Indians did win last night by the score 7-6. Another solid outing by an Indians pitcher, Jake Westbrook gave up 15 hits, 8 runs, and still managed to net his 1st win in 3 games (8-7 overall). The Red Sox got 12 singles, three doubles and a walk. According to Elias, John Dopson was the last pitcher to win while permitting 15 hits when he led Montreal past Atlanta 9-2 on July 3, 1988. SWEET!
Shin Soo Choo, the peein' Korean, blasted a Grand Slam. Travis Hafner also went yard for his 31st HR of the year (take that, cocksucker).
According to Jake Westbrook, "It was a weird game, but that's baseball". Indeed. But we are having trouble deciding what stat was the oddest: The Indians not blowing a save OR Aaron Boone hitting a HR. You decide.

Car MOAN a

2006-08-03T00:53:00.000-04:00

"I can close, I swear."

The Cleveland Indians lost yet another game in the ninth inning the Bahstahn Redsoughks, again, by the score of 6 to 5. Fausto Carmona, the 22 year old phenom closer, blew another save in the ninth inning. Yes the Indians SHOULD be ahead of the Red Sox 3- nill in the series. Yes, the Indians team should only be 24.5 games behind the Ligers instead of 25.5. But the most depressing part of this most recent loss is the Indians found another way to lose. Let's break it down.
Carmona fans his first 2 batters, Wily Yo Pena and estranged Indian Coco Crisp. Then the fun begins. On a 3-2 count, Carmona beans Mirabeli in the forearm. On the very next pitch, he beans Alex Gonzalez IN THE SAME EXACT SPOT. At least he had pin-point control in where he hit his batters. Next up, the always dangerous Kevin Youkilis. Another 3-2 count with 2 on. Walk. On to Mark Loretta. Bases Juiced, 2 outs, Papi on deck. A double and a head butt through the wall later, the Indians lose 6-5 on a double off the monster by Loretta. At least Papi didn't get to bat this time. I never thought I would ever yearn for the Blob Wickman days. Ohh the joy of Cleveland...56 more games folks.

Murphy is an asshole

2006-07-27T17:58:00.000-04:00

"Cleveland? Hmm...."

Not in any particluar order, 10 reasons why I want to kick Murphy in the nutsac.

1. Courtney Brown
2. Kellen Winslow 1a
3. Braylon Edwards
4. Kellen Winslow 1b.
5. Cleveland Indians late slump last year
6. Cleveland Indians shit-fest this year.
7.Jeff Faine
8. My parents for rasing me as a Cleveland fan. Thanks.
9. Art Model. Kiss my white ass.
10. The Drive and The Fumble. Somewhere, Elway's soul is up for auction on ebay.

Cleveland is Cursed...win a prize!

2006-07-27T17:52:00.000-04:00

If someone can point out when, how, and where the Cleveland curse began, you can win a shiny silver dollar from your friends at Cleveland misery! Submit your best.

Fuck. Me.

2006-07-27T17:41:00.000-04:00

" One down, Wimbley's next!"

In case you havn't heard, the Browns lost super-star C LeCharles Bentley with a tear to the Patella tendon. The injury occured because god hates Cleveland. Yes, he is out for the year. We feel the Browns' training facility was built on an ancient Indian burial ground. With that said, move away from Berea. Far, far away.

Good times at MSG

2006-07-24T11:59:00.000-04:00

Certified wanksta

So this Sunday I was treated to courtside seats at the Entertainer’s Basketball Classic at MSG. I know sounds good, but I’m going to tell you why it was actually great. First off we were only two rows back from the floor right by the basket and it wasn’t awkward at all being the only white person in the building. Then the real show began. It kicked off with the youth team, it got off to a slow start, after 10 minutes it was an amazing 14-6 in favor of the West. To add to the fun we were treated to a half time performance by a second rate B2K imitation band. Afterwards The M.C. asked us multiple times to clap it up after the performance, and then proceeded to say that they were terrible, classy. The only highlight of the youth game was one kid who didn’t have a uniform and played in his gym shorts but was still the best out there. Ok, so far it wasn’t worth 40 bucks, but I had high hopes for the featured game, plus D.J. Enuff was proving the soundtrack which was the only thing this event had going so far. Then the M.C. started dropping hints, apparently Jim Jones of The Diplomats was “In the Building”. Ok, he’s on TV more than I am so I guess I’ll give it to him. We are gonna have guys who can actually play right? Next up is a guy who the M.C. says “never let the fame of his brother get to his head”, you all know and love him, Fat Joe’s younger brother who works the camera for his videos. Ok, were getting ready to riot here, this was just pathetic. I thought when he announced that Michael Bivens was suiting up that someone was gonna get shot . This tournament used to feature prominent NBA players and playground legends. So far the closest thing we have is Bobito Garcia, who you may know as the annoying voice on NBA Street Vol 2. He’s the guy who’s telling you how your handle looks like hot butter melting on corn at a block party in Harlem in August, whatever. Now here’s the best part, we’ve got D-Level celebrities mailing it in out there because guys like Jim Jones smoked too many blunts before the game. The highlight is when Fat Joe’s brother announced before the start of the game that they should have paramedics standing by since he “Unfortunately smoked and entire pack of Newports before the game”, wow. So all these winded, stoned and talent-less hacks are out there looking pathetic when the lone bright spot reveals itself. Salvation comes in the form of a 65 year old white guy who looks like my Dad known only as “The Teacher”. Well, “The Teacher” proceeds to cross over and cross out all the competition and takes these supposed entertainers to school. Even the court announcer, clad in a bathrobe and aviators, is saying that he’s the best out there. There’s about 1:30 left in the first half when I see Jim Jones looking like he wants to die when one of the MSG faithful screams “You got 90 seconds left Jim!!!” causing everyone to laugh at how absurd this game is. Needless to say we didn’t stay to see who won the game. This was a pathetic display and to be honest it was falsely represented by its promoters, it was an insult. Thanks again Dolan, you make my life complete.
Jon, NYC contributor

Kamerion Wimbley wants to tackle

2006-07-23T13:31:00.000-04:00

The Browns have signed their first round pick Kamerion Wimbley. This is the first time the browns have had their 1st rounder signed before training camp since Courtney Brown did in 2000. Good company to be in.
Wimbley is a monster and we are happy that the Browns finally seem to have their shit together. He is a hybrid OLB/DE and many experts believe Wimbley is a Willie McGinest, Peter Boulware, and Joey Porter clone. Unlike Porter, if Wimbley gets shot in the ass, the bullets will bounce off. Yep, he is a badass.

Bob Wickman is eating in atlanta

2006-07-21T10:29:00.000-04:00

Bob Wickman will no longer give Cleveland fans heart attacks. The Indians traded him away to Atanta for catcher Maximilliano Ramirez (yes, his name is Maximilliano). Tribe fans, the fat fuck is gone. New closer will be Fausto Carmona, the 23 year old reliever who's promosing career as a potential 3rd pitcher has been backtracked (and why not). These are our Indians folks. There were 2 quotes from Shapiro that were interesting:
"We could have gotten a high-level Class AAA player from one team," said Shapiro. "We would have gotten players from Double A, but this was the player we wanted. Sometimes you have to go low to get a player with a high ceiling."
And this one: This trade won't help the Indians next year or the year after. General Manager Mark Shapiro said Ramirez, who will report to Class A Lake County, is still "far away."
What a great idea! Trade Wickman way before the trade deadline, giving the Indians no leverage whatsoever, for a catcher(see Victor Martinez, Kelly Shoppach) who is "years away". Makes sense to me.

Ed Mujica is not my hero

2006-07-15T11:02:00.000-04:00

"Eric needs to shave his beard"

Ed Mujica, Indians star rookie reliever, did not allow an earned run in 38 2/3 innings at Class AA Akron and Class AAA Buffalo. He did not allow a run through his first 8 2/3 with the Tribe. This magical streak ended last night when the Indians found yet another way to lose a game. Mujica gave up a single to Justin Tyner, scoring Torii "two I's" Hunter to win 3-2 in the 10th. We didn't believe Mujica could keep the scoreless streak the entire season, but it is fitting that first run he allows all season blows the game for the Indians. Way to go, Ed!
In other news, Ronnie Belliard replaced Aaron Boone at third. Since Aaron Boone sucks, this makes sense. I mean, no need to bring up Andy Marte, the guy we traded for in the off-season, ultimately ruining the 2006 pennant run. Wonderful job guys.

Peter Gammons is doing better

2006-07-14T20:46:00.000-04:00

The Man

Time to get serious here. Peter Gammons is the best baseball analyst around. Bar none. His thoughts, insights, and articles are nothing short of brilliant and has been a staple for my news source in baseball. Unforutnately, Gammons suffered a brain aneurysm on June 27th. Since then, he has been in a hospital receiving treatment.
Now for the good news. Gammons, as reported by his wife Gloria, is walking around, brushing his teeth, talking, and even reporting espn breaking news from his bedside. Ok, the last one was a joke, but in all seriousness, my best wishes in getting better. The Dr's expect a full recovery with no ill-effects from the aneurysm.

TO didn't say shit

2006-07-14T19:07:00.000-04:00

"And for my next endzone celebration, I will shove the ball up my ass"

As reported by ESPN, Terrell Owens was misquoted in his autobiography. Here is a quick rundown on why TO is getting emotional about this:
The new Dallas Cowboys receiver also devotes pages to his perceived vilification in the press and described his quick comeback from a leg fracture in 2004 as, "If you'll forgive me for saying so ... nothing short of heroic."
Here is TO's assesment of his own quote:
"[Heroic] was one of the words that Jason used. I can't say that I called it 'heroic."'
I'll tell you what I would call it: mind-numbing. In fact, my head hurts just from thinking about how someone could misquote his own autobiography. Is it even possible? You can't triple stamp a double stamp!
But what really bothers me is that it's one word. One. And the word is heroic. Let's be perfectly honest here, TO. During the off-season, you proclaimed that you went out on the field under your own orders, and would not accept no for an answer. You also basically said it was an act of god that you were able to play and you should have been compensated for such a godly-like feat. You bother me. A lot. Now if you will excuse me, I need to label this story under the "who gives a shit" department of world events. I am somewhat embarrased for even talking about you, smelly.

Isiah uses the word "All-Star" when describing Eddy Curry

2006-07-14T15:10:00.000-04:00

My blood sugar is low, someone get me a small child to fry up

Isiah Thomas is busy getting his coach on in the summer league and stopped to answer a few questions from the press. Of course the topic of conversation was how he plans on improving the FUBAR state of The Knicks. Thomas went on to say that the younger players are the key. For once I actually agree with him, our only hope is that Frye and Lee can develop into a serious front court and that Robinson will be shipped off for a guard that doesn’t resemble a Mini-Me version of 50 Cent. Things were going great and I was ready to start believing in Isiah after his surprisingly sane assesments. Then the wheels came off with his proclamation that he wants to “get Eddy Curry to the level I think he should be at” and that “Eddy has a great chance to become an all-star in this offense”. Well the level Eddy Curry is at right now is the lower level dining area of the Mid-Town McDonalds sucking down about 13 McGriddles. I bet the best day of his life was when he was selected to be a McDonalds All-American and finally play for a team where he was passionate about its roots. I’m convinced I could rest a glass of wine of one of Curry’s butt-cheeks and jump up and down on the other without spilling it, the man is immense. Now that I’ve ripped on Eddy I have to interject a bit of optimism into this situation. Curry could be a top 5 center on offense, easily. He has great post up moves, can score on either side and isn’t interested in anything but working in the post. Give me 4 more centers who are capable of giving you 20 a night without leaving the paint. Plus, he has the NBA logo tattooed on his body! Now that’s dedication, he has to succeed or he’ll look like a white dude with a Chinese character on his bicep. When he’s on he looks graceful despite his bulk and can score in bunches. The problem is the man would rather lean on a post to suck down a cheese-dog then score inside it. The only way I’ll be convinced that Isiah is correct is if Eddy Curry pulls a Jared, gets on the Subway diet and debuts at the garden with fat prosthetics like The Nutty Professor and rips them off revealing his new slimmer build, now that’s showmanship!!
Jon, NYC Contributor

Ozzie Guillen shows signs of weakness

2006-07-14T14:16:00.000-04:00

"How's this for sensitivity training!"

I may have mentioned in the past how much I hate Ozzie Guillen. He is a tyrant of a manager who gets pissed at 22 year old kids who try and fail to bean a batter. Also, this dipshit snubbed Travis Hafner from a much deserved All-Star selection. But his best moment came when he called Jay Mariotti, frequent PTI guest and Chicago columnist, a fag. Well Oz, judging by the picture, it appears you have been watching Will and Grace a bit too much.

Ozzie Guillen, you just got owned.

Keith Van Horn anyone?

2006-07-14T14:02:00.000-04:00

Straight Ballin'

My buddy Adam, for some reason, really hates Keith Van Horn.

"i would definitely rather be on the cavs, then have keith van horn playing for them. i mean lets just look at this from a logical standpoint. with me on the cavs i'd get to go to every game, and probably be able to get you in too. i'd at least get a free jersey and pair of shorts, maybe some shoes and perhaps even a head band (sweet!). With keith van horn on the team we'd add, well a guy who's jersey says "Van Horn" on the back. it sounds like a final fantasy bad guy, that those dudes (your boys) dressed in black in middle school used to talk about in the corner not a bball player. also, could you ever see bron hanging out with van horn, Z, and oh we'll just throw eric snow in there for good measure. The morman, mr. creepy beard, and the old man who is probably going to be in diapers by the all star break next year. i mean, c'mon"

Now he says he made this up. I don't believe him. Either way, it's funny as shit.

Bruce Arena has time to watch movies

2006-07-14T13:07:00.000-04:00

"Pirates of the Caribbean was AWESOME!"

Bruce Arena was relieved of his duties today as head coach of the U.S. Soccer team. U.S. Soccer president Sunil Gulati (US soccer president?) said,
"It comes down primarily to eight years being a long period. I'm not going to say we felt the need to change directions. The direction Bruce has set is very, very positive. We didn't get the results we wanted in the World Cup, but Bruce didn't become a bad coach in three games with a few bad bounces of the ball."
We think that was a nice way of saying "you didn't score one fucking goal in 3 games, get the fuck out". To give Bruce credit, they did tie Italy, the world cup winner. Furthermore, if you get fired by a guy named Sunil, well, I don't know what to tell you.

"Ooopsie"

In other soccer news, Zinedine Zidane's savage headbutt was one of the sweetest things we have ever witnessed in soccer. However, it was not as exciting as watching a 1-1 game go into OT, eventually leading to penalty kicks. Fun. 4 more years until the next world cup? The anticipation is excrutiating.

Indians are undefeated in the 2nd half

2006-07-14T12:53:00.000-04:00

Time for Joe-Bo to wake up bats

The Indians defeated the Twins last night 6-4. What's more surprising is that Blob Wickman coverted his 14th save of the season without giving up a hit or causing any heart attacks for Tribe fans. Way to go Blob! For a quick recap, Hafner proved once again that Ozzie Guillen hurt his feelings by parking his 26th HR of the year, Blake returned from the DL to hit his 11th HR, Jhonny Peralta (that's Jonny with an h) belted his 10th, and Kelly Shoppach cranked his 2nd. As you can see, I am hurting to find adjectives to describe a HR. Maybe Wedge's weirdo beard is paying dividends. Now the Indians only have to win 40 more games to be in the race. Here's to a photo-finish!