Cleveland Misery

Semi-annual Fuck You award

2006-10-29T12:06:00.000-05:00

The monthly fuck you award is a prestigous achievement to say the least. Below is a list of our previous winners:
Ray Lewis
Dennis Northcutt
Roger Brown
George W. Bush
Butch Davis
Dr. Navratil
Dick Cheaney
George W. Bush
Romeo Crennel
ugly girls (and fat girls)

So who wins it this month? WE HAVE A TIE!

1a. Time Warner Cable. Now i know you are thinking, "Mitch, all cable companies are competent and have their customers best interests in mind at all times". Sorry to say, this was not the case. Let's break down what happened yesterday, October 28th, 2006:
1st: they give me the wonderful 8AM-5PM time slot. Thanks fucksticks.

2nd: some guy, sounding like a voicebox on speed, calls me, says he is almost there. This is 12:30. Not too bad. I proceed to tell him I have no cable outlets in my house. He then says he will have to come around "between 4 and 5 PM" because my job would take longer and he wanted to finish the others first. Fair enough.

3rd: Go back to my parents house, 10-15 minutes away. Get a call @ 1:45, saying a TW repair guy is at my house. I tell the operator that I was told he would be there between 4 and 5 but cool. Tell him I will be there ASAP. She asked if he could go in the house, I said yes, I will be there in 5-10 minutes. She talked to the dude. 5 minutes later, she says he is going to leave. I beg and plead with her. "tell him I will be there in 1 minute". she clicks over, tells him, then tells me he will wait another 5 minutes. I say tell him I am pulling in in 1 minute.

4th: I pull in, and what do I see? I nice little go fuck yourself note from Time Warner:" Sorry We Missed You!" Kiss my ass.

5th:I called them and they said there was nothing they could do, that I would have to reschedule for Wednesday between, wait for it.... 8AM-5PM!!! Yes!! another day wasted, waiting for the cable company. I fucking love it!

1b. Maurice Carthon.

an inside look at carthon's playbook (courtesy obr.com)

I don't mean to hop on the guy, considering he was axed this week, but seriously, does he smoke crack? As a former fullback, Carthon tried ever so hard to make his FB's (as in plural) become the focal points of the offense. Lawrence Vickers, FB and 6th round pick of the 06 draft, said about Maurice: "I'm going to miss Carthon. He was kind of a mentor to me. We talked about a lot of things, football-wise and life." Surely Vickers' jests. What could you guys possibly be talking about? How you think that Terrelle Smith should run a reverse pass-option, hitting you in the end-zone? Here is an idea: instead of talking about life, perhaps you should concentrate on gaining one fucking yard on 4th and 1 and not on getting stuffed like a drunk girl at a frat party. Yes, the players need to make plays. But the coaches need to at the very least appear to know what they are doing. Jeff Davidson, former OLine coach takes over the playcalling duties. Daidson said he will call from upstairs in the booth. Carthon liked to be on the field, often not even watching the play. Now why would a guy like Davidson want to call plays from a birds-eye view where he can see the entire field? It makes too much sense for this organization.

Hi, remember me??

2006-09-30T23:09:00.000-04:00

Sorry, it's been about a month. Last time we checked, i got a girlfriend, Indians have been eliminated, and The Cleveland 'football' Browns suck. So let's recap what has happened in the past few weeks:
1. Mo "Goose" Clarett is serving 3 years in the state pen. Congrats! Unfortunately, Mo is not the first in his faimly to go to jail. Sorry for the dissappointment Mo.
2. Indians eliminated...before the season. One word: Bullpen BullpenBullpenBullpenBullpenBullpenBullpenBullpen. And a free agent bat if you want. BTW, Sizemore is a freak of nature. It's as if he is the Kunta Kinte of baseball (minus the whipping part).
3. The Browns. Well, what can I really say that has not been said. Bodden, Winslow, Frye, Edwards. Fearsome foursome! And...............we are 0-3 : ( Suffice to say, the Browns suck ass...major ass. Last week against the Ravens was 1.an anomoly 2. the apocolypse 3. typical. Regardless, The Browns played pretty decent and now have 3 potential pro bowlers in Winslow, Edwards, and Bodden. Frye is tied for the league in rushing TD's. On the bright side, the Browns always wanted an elite rusher!
4. tOSU Buckeyes, coming to a town near you! Not gonna dwell, but Troy looks sick, just sick. and how bout them Scarlet Knights! 5-0 baby!...more to come...so stfu

The Browns are flippin sweet, gosh!

2006-08-26T21:19:00.000-04:00

Hey dipshit, it's not a FG.

The Browns are showing their true colors as of late (no, not shit brown). They beat the Buffalo Jills 20-17 on Saturday night, improving their pre-season record to 2-1. Yes, i understand it is pre-season. Yes, I understand these games are as pointless as going to a bar and ordering water. But there were definately some positives to look forward to.
1. Kellen Winslow did not get hurt.
2. Braylon Edwards did not get hurt. (side note: BE looked pretty f'ing sweet. Knocking dudes around like Albert Belle with his girlfriend, catching balls and breaking tackles. Good stuff).
3. Nobody significant got injured (However, Sean Maher, not to be confused with pop artist Jon Mayer got hurt). Anyways, they both suck ass so who gives a shit.
4. Willie Green looked like Jim Brown, minus the ability and future potential. In all seriousness, Willie looked great against the 3rd stringers
5. Jerome "Ghost" Harrison. Nuff said. This kid is a freak, has always been a freak, and always will be a freak. This kid excites me more than a George Bush press conference (and yes, he is stupid).
6. Derek "The Enigma" Anderson pretty much locked up the back up spot. When this kid comes in, I don't know if I should run and head for cover, or marvel at his field gun of an arm. Regardless, he led us to a W.
And finally...
7. Bernie Kosar. Ok, so let me just say that, like Albert Belle, I loved Bernie Kosar when I was a child. With that said, Bernie should have remained a memory and should have never come back to Cleveland to do color commentary for the Browns pre-season games. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Is he coked up? Is he liquored up? Is he using a voice box? Or is a combination of all 3? His wife claimed Bernie displayed 'increasingly bizarre and erratic behavior and various other addictions'. Addictions to what, sounding like an asshole on live TV, embarrassing and tarnishing his image to Browns fans world wide? Here is an idea: before you ask a Cleveland icon to do commentary, make sure he is not insaine. Thanks.

GO BROWNS!

Me=Sad

2006-08-25T17:37:00.000-04:00

"Homeboy don't play that, bitch"

We tend to idolize athletes or famous figures when we are children. For instance, I idolized the biggest prick-asshole, scumbag, piece of shit person this side of Terrell Owens: Albert Belle. Not only was he a dickhead, but he celebrated it. Albert Belle terrorized pitchers with his famous staredown. Unfortunately, he also terrorizes members of the opposite sex (along with touching them innaproporiately). Albert Belle was sentenced today to 3 months in jail and 5 years of probation for stalking his ex-girlfriend. This is where I have a problem. You see, to Albert, stalking is a relative term. Is is a crime to protect someone? Belle's former girlfriend told police in January that she discovered a Global Positioning System tracking device that had fallen off her car. Umm, hasn't she ever heard of a fucking surprise? The world is a dangerous place. You can never be too safe nowadays.
She also said Belle had threatened her. Well, would you not be a TADDD upset if your significant other didn't appreciate the tracking device you nicely placed on her car without her knowing? Girls just don't acknowledge chivalry anymore.
While Belle may have a had a few problems in his past (suspended in 1994 for using a corked bat, fined in 1990 for throwing a baseball into the stands where it struck a fan who had been taunting him about his alcohol rehab, chased down rowdy trick-or-treating vandals who were celebrating Halloween by throwing eggs at his home, bumping one of the vandals with his car), he should NOT be made into a monster. In fact, he should be given an I Care About My Bitch award. Those tracking devices are expensive as hell and she just blew it off like he was stalking her. I'm calling Bullshit. Anyways, stay proud, Joey, and don't let the man keep you down. Two rules to follow while locked up: don't drop the soap and keep your ass clinched at all times. Good luck and god bless.

Death to Israel!

2006-08-18T09:52:00.000-04:00

"Haha... you think I'm funny muthafucka?"

This is fucking great. Apparently, Maurice Clarett's lawyer is now claiming that Big Mo has ties to the Israeli Mafia. From ESPN:
Maurice Clarett was bankrolled by an alleged member of an Israeli crime organization after leaving Ohio State, ESPN has learned, and Clarett's attorney said Thursday that his client may have been in possession of firearms last week to protect himself against mob activity.
So he ISSSSS fighting crime in the Middle East! We feel that the jokes are plentiful and this is too easy to make an actual funny line about the new situation. With that said, the sitcom that has become Maruice Clarett is getting pretty serious and extremely sad. Get better and no more hatchet's douchebag.

Ohh No, now Alonzo

2006-08-16T16:08:00.000-04:00

This is what steroids will do to you

The Browns Center position is laughable at this point. Alonzo Ephraim, the latest Center casualty for the Browns, has been suspended for 4 games for violating the leagues substance abuse policy. The list of substances banned by the NFL are roids, ephedrine, crack, boom, crank, weed, heroin, crystal meth, uppers, downers, I think peyote, and anything in Maurice Clarett's car.
The Browns are down to 2 centers: Rex Tucker and Rob Smith. It should be mentioned that Smith is currently injured with a high ankle sprain and is out indefinately. Seriously god, enough is enough. This is gay.

2006-08-10T14:51:00.000-04:00

HELP WANTED

On April 28th, the Cleveland Browns traded Center Jeff Faine and their 2nd round pick to the Saints so they could move up and take D'Qwell Jackson, ILB from Maryland. Prior to this move, the Browns aquired LeCharles Bentley, Cleveland native and pro-bowl center. On that same day, the Browns aquired Bob Hallen for insurance purposes. Fast-forward to August 8th. LeCharles Bentley is out for the season because he stepped on a blade of grass the wrong way. Insert Bob Hallen, career back up who now has a chance to shine and make a name for himself. So what does he do? He leaves the team because he cannot handle the pressure of starting at Center. Now I know the running joke is who would want to start for the Browns, but this is not your old Cleveland team. This team actually has a chance to do something, especially on the defensive side of the ball, and this asshat runs and hides like a fucking girl cause starting is too demanding for him. Well Bob, we all have our problems. One of them is you. You are a piece of shit. You quite on your coaches, your teamates, and most importantly, the fans who pay your submissive ass. The reports are Bob has a back problem and some personal problems at home. If this is indeed the case, then i hope you get better. But I doubt this to be true. I think you are just a huge puss. Visit the gyno. They might be able to get the sand out of your vagina. Seriously, eat a dick.

You are annoying me Andy

2006-08-10T00:41:00.000-04:00

"Here, take it! Please!"

Andy Marte is pissing me off. You know why? He has 3 hits in 26 AB's, with an aggressive .115 batting average. His glove looks decent, but the way in which the Indians have handled this situation reminds me of another great picture (load up on Taco Bell, look in the toilet, and you'll see the picture). Maybe Wedge needs to grow a fucking mullet. Who knows. Anyways, Marte needs to be playing every day in every possible situation, not taken out for Todd "The Beefcake" Hollandsworth in a clutch situation. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Cannot wait for the browns to start (umm, do we even have a Center?) more to come on that tomorrow.

2006-08-10T00:07:00.000-04:00

W.T.F.

Whatever you want to say, the artist formally known as Maurice Clarett is a tool. In fact, he is a hatchet. Maurice, or "Mo", was pulled over last morning (4 in the AM) because of an illegal U-Turn. Big Mo tried his hardest to outrun the cops, but, much like his combine, Mo failed to impress. After the cops stopped him by placing spikes down, they realized that this was no ordinary chase. Apparently, Mr. Badassmotherfuck had a bottle of vodka, 3 handguns, a loaded AK-47, and a HATCHET in his front seat. Ohhh, It gets MUCH better. The cops tried to subdue Mo by tazering him (always a good time). Unfortunately, their device was ineffective against the power that is Mo. You see, Mo had a BULLET PROOF VEST on. Let's recap: 3 handguns, a loaded AK-47, a bullet proof vest, a bottle of vodka, ANDDDDDD (drum-roll)....a hatchet. So here is my question: What the fuck was the hatchet for? Was he gonna go scalp an Indian? Either Mo was going to Iraq to fight the Taliban OR he was looking for the woman who was going to testify against him (he was supposedly a few blocks away from her house). Inside information has told me Mo was a big time drug dealer in Warren. Perhaps he was going Tony Montana on someone...who knows. Either way, a fun game has now been invented: over/under 15 years for Mo.

The Indians win it! The Indians win it!

2006-08-04T17:25:00.000-04:00

" Annyeonghi kaseyo, yagu!"
(translation: look it up yourself)

Yes, the Indians did win last night by the score 7-6. Another solid outing by an Indians pitcher, Jake Westbrook gave up 15 hits, 8 runs, and still managed to net his 1st win in 3 games (8-7 overall). The Red Sox got 12 singles, three doubles and a walk. According to Elias, John Dopson was the last pitcher to win while permitting 15 hits when he led Montreal past Atlanta 9-2 on July 3, 1988. SWEET!
Shin Soo Choo, the peein' Korean, blasted a Grand Slam. Travis Hafner also went yard for his 31st HR of the year (take that, cocksucker).
According to Jake Westbrook, "It was a weird game, but that's baseball". Indeed. But we are having trouble deciding what stat was the oddest: The Indians not blowing a save OR Aaron Boone hitting a HR. You decide.

Car MOAN a

2006-08-03T00:53:00.000-04:00

"I can close, I swear."

The Cleveland Indians lost yet another game in the ninth inning the Bahstahn Redsoughks, again, by the score of 6 to 5. Fausto Carmona, the 22 year old phenom closer, blew another save in the ninth inning. Yes the Indians SHOULD be ahead of the Red Sox 3- nill in the series. Yes, the Indians team should only be 24.5 games behind the Ligers instead of 25.5. But the most depressing part of this most recent loss is the Indians found another way to lose. Let's break it down.
Carmona fans his first 2 batters, Wily Yo Pena and estranged Indian Coco Crisp. Then the fun begins. On a 3-2 count, Carmona beans Mirabeli in the forearm. On the very next pitch, he beans Alex Gonzalez IN THE SAME EXACT SPOT. At least he had pin-point control in where he hit his batters. Next up, the always dangerous Kevin Youkilis. Another 3-2 count with 2 on. Walk. On to Mark Loretta. Bases Juiced, 2 outs, Papi on deck. A double and a head butt through the wall later, the Indians lose 6-5 on a double off the monster by Loretta. At least Papi didn't get to bat this time. I never thought I would ever yearn for the Blob Wickman days. Ohh the joy of Cleveland...56 more games folks.

Murphy is an asshole

2006-07-27T17:58:00.000-04:00

"Cleveland? Hmm...."

Not in any particluar order, 10 reasons why I want to kick Murphy in the nutsac.

1. Courtney Brown
2. Kellen Winslow 1a
3. Braylon Edwards
4. Kellen Winslow 1b.
5. Cleveland Indians late slump last year
6. Cleveland Indians shit-fest this year.
7.Jeff Faine
8. My parents for rasing me as a Cleveland fan. Thanks.
9. Art Model. Kiss my white ass.
10. The Drive and The Fumble. Somewhere, Elway's soul is up for auction on ebay.

Cleveland is Cursed...win a prize!

2006-07-27T17:52:00.000-04:00

If someone can point out when, how, and where the Cleveland curse began, you can win a shiny silver dollar from your friends at Cleveland misery! Submit your best.

Fuck. Me.

2006-07-27T17:41:00.000-04:00

" One down, Wimbley's next!"

In case you havn't heard, the Browns lost super-star C LeCharles Bentley with a tear to the Patella tendon. The injury occured because god hates Cleveland. Yes, he is out for the year. We feel the Browns' training facility was built on an ancient Indian burial ground. With that said, move away from Berea. Far, far away.

Good times at MSG

2006-07-24T11:59:00.000-04:00

Certified wanksta

So this Sunday I was treated to courtside seats at the Entertainer’s Basketball Classic at MSG. I know sounds good, but I’m going to tell you why it was actually great. First off we were only two rows back from the floor right by the basket and it wasn’t awkward at all being the only white person in the building. Then the real show began. It kicked off with the youth team, it got off to a slow start, after 10 minutes it was an amazing 14-6 in favor of the West. To add to the fun we were treated to a half time performance by a second rate B2K imitation band. Afterwards The M.C. asked us multiple times to clap it up after the performance, and then proceeded to say that they were terrible, classy. The only highlight of the youth game was one kid who didn’t have a uniform and played in his gym shorts but was still the best out there. Ok, so far it wasn’t worth 40 bucks, but I had high hopes for the featured game, plus D.J. Enuff was proving the soundtrack which was the only thing this event had going so far. Then the M.C. started dropping hints, apparently Jim Jones of The Diplomats was “In the Building”. Ok, he’s on TV more than I am so I guess I’ll give it to him. We are gonna have guys who can actually play right? Next up is a guy who the M.C. says “never let the fame of his brother get to his head”, you all know and love him, Fat Joe’s younger brother who works the camera for his videos. Ok, were getting ready to riot here, this was just pathetic. I thought when he announced that Michael Bivens was suiting up that someone was gonna get shot . This tournament used to feature prominent NBA players and playground legends. So far the closest thing we have is Bobito Garcia, who you may know as the annoying voice on NBA Street Vol 2. He’s the guy who’s telling you how your handle looks like hot butter melting on corn at a block party in Harlem in August, whatever. Now here’s the best part, we’ve got D-Level celebrities mailing it in out there because guys like Jim Jones smoked too many blunts before the game. The highlight is when Fat Joe’s brother announced before the start of the game that they should have paramedics standing by since he “Unfortunately smoked and entire pack of Newports before the game”, wow. So all these winded, stoned and talent-less hacks are out there looking pathetic when the lone bright spot reveals itself. Salvation comes in the form of a 65 year old white guy who looks like my Dad known only as “The Teacher”. Well, “The Teacher” proceeds to cross over and cross out all the competition and takes these supposed entertainers to school. Even the court announcer, clad in a bathrobe and aviators, is saying that he’s the best out there. There’s about 1:30 left in the first half when I see Jim Jones looking like he wants to die when one of the MSG faithful screams “You got 90 seconds left Jim!!!” causing everyone to laugh at how absurd this game is. Needless to say we didn’t stay to see who won the game. This was a pathetic display and to be honest it was falsely represented by its promoters, it was an insult. Thanks again Dolan, you make my life complete.
Jon, NYC contributor

Kamerion Wimbley wants to tackle

2006-07-23T13:31:00.000-04:00

The Browns have signed their first round pick Kamerion Wimbley. This is the first time the browns have had their 1st rounder signed before training camp since Courtney Brown did in 2000. Good company to be in.
Wimbley is a monster and we are happy that the Browns finally seem to have their shit together. He is a hybrid OLB/DE and many experts believe Wimbley is a Willie McGinest, Peter Boulware, and Joey Porter clone. Unlike Porter, if Wimbley gets shot in the ass, the bullets will bounce off. Yep, he is a badass.

Bob Wickman is eating in atlanta

2006-07-21T10:29:00.000-04:00

Bob Wickman will no longer give Cleveland fans heart attacks. The Indians traded him away to Atanta for catcher Maximilliano Ramirez (yes, his name is Maximilliano). Tribe fans, the fat fuck is gone. New closer will be Fausto Carmona, the 23 year old reliever who's promosing career as a potential 3rd pitcher has been backtracked (and why not). These are our Indians folks. There were 2 quotes from Shapiro that were interesting:
"We could have gotten a high-level Class AAA player from one team," said Shapiro. "We would have gotten players from Double A, but this was the player we wanted. Sometimes you have to go low to get a player with a high ceiling."
And this one: This trade won't help the Indians next year or the year after. General Manager Mark Shapiro said Ramirez, who will report to Class A Lake County, is still "far away."
What a great idea! Trade Wickman way before the trade deadline, giving the Indians no leverage whatsoever, for a catcher(see Victor Martinez, Kelly Shoppach) who is "years away". Makes sense to me.

Ed Mujica is not my hero

2006-07-15T11:02:00.000-04:00

"Eric needs to shave his beard"

Ed Mujica, Indians star rookie reliever, did not allow an earned run in 38 2/3 innings at Class AA Akron and Class AAA Buffalo. He did not allow a run through his first 8 2/3 with the Tribe. This magical streak ended last night when the Indians found yet another way to lose a game. Mujica gave up a single to Justin Tyner, scoring Torii "two I's" Hunter to win 3-2 in the 10th. We didn't believe Mujica could keep the scoreless streak the entire season, but it is fitting that first run he allows all season blows the game for the Indians. Way to go, Ed!
In other news, Ronnie Belliard replaced Aaron Boone at third. Since Aaron Boone sucks, this makes sense. I mean, no need to bring up Andy Marte, the guy we traded for in the off-season, ultimately ruining the 2006 pennant run. Wonderful job guys.

Peter Gammons is doing better

2006-07-14T20:46:00.000-04:00

The Man

Time to get serious here. Peter Gammons is the best baseball analyst around. Bar none. His thoughts, insights, and articles are nothing short of brilliant and has been a staple for my news source in baseball. Unforutnately, Gammons suffered a brain aneurysm on June 27th. Since then, he has been in a hospital receiving treatment.
Now for the good news. Gammons, as reported by his wife Gloria, is walking around, brushing his teeth, talking, and even reporting espn breaking news from his bedside. Ok, the last one was a joke, but in all seriousness, my best wishes in getting better. The Dr's expect a full recovery with no ill-effects from the aneurysm.

TO didn't say shit

2006-07-14T19:07:00.000-04:00

"And for my next endzone celebration, I will shove the ball up my ass"

As reported by ESPN, Terrell Owens was misquoted in his autobiography. Here is a quick rundown on why TO is getting emotional about this:
The new Dallas Cowboys receiver also devotes pages to his perceived vilification in the press and described his quick comeback from a leg fracture in 2004 as, "If you'll forgive me for saying so ... nothing short of heroic."
Here is TO's assesment of his own quote:
"[Heroic] was one of the words that Jason used. I can't say that I called it 'heroic."'
I'll tell you what I would call it: mind-numbing. In fact, my head hurts just from thinking about how someone could misquote his own autobiography. Is it even possible? You can't triple stamp a double stamp!
But what really bothers me is that it's one word. One. And the word is heroic. Let's be perfectly honest here, TO. During the off-season, you proclaimed that you went out on the field under your own orders, and would not accept no for an answer. You also basically said it was an act of god that you were able to play and you should have been compensated for such a godly-like feat. You bother me. A lot. Now if you will excuse me, I need to label this story under the "who gives a shit" department of world events. I am somewhat embarrased for even talking about you, smelly.

Isiah uses the word "All-Star" when describing Eddy Curry

2006-07-14T15:10:00.000-04:00

My blood sugar is low, someone get me a small child to fry up

Isiah Thomas is busy getting his coach on in the summer league and stopped to answer a few questions from the press. Of course the topic of conversation was how he plans on improving the FUBAR state of The Knicks. Thomas went on to say that the younger players are the key. For once I actually agree with him, our only hope is that Frye and Lee can develop into a serious front court and that Robinson will be shipped off for a guard that doesn’t resemble a Mini-Me version of 50 Cent. Things were going great and I was ready to start believing in Isiah after his surprisingly sane assesments. Then the wheels came off with his proclamation that he wants to “get Eddy Curry to the level I think he should be at” and that “Eddy has a great chance to become an all-star in this offense”. Well the level Eddy Curry is at right now is the lower level dining area of the Mid-Town McDonalds sucking down about 13 McGriddles. I bet the best day of his life was when he was selected to be a McDonalds All-American and finally play for a team where he was passionate about its roots. I’m convinced I could rest a glass of wine of one of Curry’s butt-cheeks and jump up and down on the other without spilling it, the man is immense. Now that I’ve ripped on Eddy I have to interject a bit of optimism into this situation. Curry could be a top 5 center on offense, easily. He has great post up moves, can score on either side and isn’t interested in anything but working in the post. Give me 4 more centers who are capable of giving you 20 a night without leaving the paint. Plus, he has the NBA logo tattooed on his body! Now that’s dedication, he has to succeed or he’ll look like a white dude with a Chinese character on his bicep. When he’s on he looks graceful despite his bulk and can score in bunches. The problem is the man would rather lean on a post to suck down a cheese-dog then score inside it. The only way I’ll be convinced that Isiah is correct is if Eddy Curry pulls a Jared, gets on the Subway diet and debuts at the garden with fat prosthetics like The Nutty Professor and rips them off revealing his new slimmer build, now that’s showmanship!!
Jon, NYC Contributor

Ozzie Guillen shows signs of weakness

2006-07-14T14:16:00.000-04:00

"How's this for sensitivity training!"

I may have mentioned in the past how much I hate Ozzie Guillen. He is a tyrant of a manager who gets pissed at 22 year old kids who try and fail to bean a batter. Also, this dipshit snubbed Travis Hafner from a much deserved All-Star selection. But his best moment came when he called Jay Mariotti, frequent PTI guest and Chicago columnist, a fag. Well Oz, judging by the picture, it appears you have been watching Will and Grace a bit too much.

Ozzie Guillen, you just got owned.

Keith Van Horn anyone?

2006-07-14T14:02:00.000-04:00

Straight Ballin'

My buddy Adam, for some reason, really hates Keith Van Horn.

"i would definitely rather be on the cavs, then have keith van horn playing for them. i mean lets just look at this from a logical standpoint. with me on the cavs i'd get to go to every game, and probably be able to get you in too. i'd at least get a free jersey and pair of shorts, maybe some shoes and perhaps even a head band (sweet!). With keith van horn on the team we'd add, well a guy who's jersey says "Van Horn" on the back. it sounds like a final fantasy bad guy, that those dudes (your boys) dressed in black in middle school used to talk about in the corner not a bball player. also, could you ever see bron hanging out with van horn, Z, and oh we'll just throw eric snow in there for good measure. The morman, mr. creepy beard, and the old man who is probably going to be in diapers by the all star break next year. i mean, c'mon"

Now he says he made this up. I don't believe him. Either way, it's funny as shit.

Bruce Arena has time to watch movies

2006-07-14T13:07:00.000-04:00

"Pirates of the Caribbean was AWESOME!"

Bruce Arena was relieved of his duties today as head coach of the U.S. Soccer team. U.S. Soccer president Sunil Gulati (US soccer president?) said,
"It comes down primarily to eight years being a long period. I'm not going to say we felt the need to change directions. The direction Bruce has set is very, very positive. We didn't get the results we wanted in the World Cup, but Bruce didn't become a bad coach in three games with a few bad bounces of the ball."
We think that was a nice way of saying "you didn't score one fucking goal in 3 games, get the fuck out". To give Bruce credit, they did tie Italy, the world cup winner. Furthermore, if you get fired by a guy named Sunil, well, I don't know what to tell you.

"Ooopsie"

In other soccer news, Zinedine Zidane's savage headbutt was one of the sweetest things we have ever witnessed in soccer. However, it was not as exciting as watching a 1-1 game go into OT, eventually leading to penalty kicks. Fun. 4 more years until the next world cup? The anticipation is excrutiating.

Indians are undefeated in the 2nd half

2006-07-14T12:53:00.000-04:00

Time for Joe-Bo to wake up bats

The Indians defeated the Twins last night 6-4. What's more surprising is that Blob Wickman coverted his 14th save of the season without giving up a hit or causing any heart attacks for Tribe fans. Way to go Blob! For a quick recap, Hafner proved once again that Ozzie Guillen hurt his feelings by parking his 26th HR of the year, Blake returned from the DL to hit his 11th HR, Jhonny Peralta (that's Jonny with an h) belted his 10th, and Kelly Shoppach cranked his 2nd. As you can see, I am hurting to find adjectives to describe a HR. Maybe Wedge's weirdo beard is paying dividends. Now the Indians only have to win 40 more games to be in the race. Here's to a photo-finish!

Drew Gooden Wants to be Eric Snow

2006-07-14T12:34:00.000-04:00

"My third arm's family needs to eat too"

Reports are swirling out of Cleveland that Drew Gooden wants money. Actually, he wants Nene money, which would be around $60 million for 6 years. I like Gooden. He is a good role players who contributes 20-30 solid minutes per contest. But $10 million for a moody guy who plays well only when he takes his prozac? Who do you think you are, Eric Snow? I think a sign and trade is in the works for a one Jamaal Magloire, but that could be just a rumor, a rumor that currently does not work under the trade machine rules. Nonetheless, we are confident that Danny Ferry will pull some sort of magic out of his hat, hopefully more magical than re-signing Z and the body cast that is Larry Hughes. Stay tuned.

Worst Contracts in the NBA

2006-07-13T19:37:00.000-04:00

Bill Simmons did an article about this about a week ago. No, I am not copying his shit, just the premise. However, he left out a few players. Here is my list, narrowing it down to 5:
"Another 3, holla!"

5: Damon Jones, $3,596,924, 3 years. Here is my gripe with "DJ": the the self-proclaimed "best shooter in the world" could not shoot. The Cavs are dishing out $3.5 mill per for his shitty services, which also sucks. I will say this: DJ was clutch in 2 instances: the win over Toronto and the playoff win over Washington Arenas'. Worth $3.5 million?

4: Ira Newble, $2,950,200,1. Mr. Irrelevant himself, the pride of Miami, U basketball has averaged almost the same amount of points I have over the past 2 years. And why, are we paying him $3 million per year? Besides doing sweet spin kicks that would make Rex Taikwando jealous, he is a cheerleader for the pine squad. Hey, someone has to waive the towels and clap his hands besides Terry Robiskie.

3: Larry Hughes, $10,344,900,4. I do like Hughes and his game. But that is when
he actually plays. Does Larry have brittle bone disease in his fingers? He has missed a ton of games (I am too lazy to look up the actual amount) and looked completely lost in the playoffs. This was a combination of fatigue, bad fingers, and the tragedy of his brother dying. $10 mill can get you a lot. Just ask Isaiah Thomas.

*Funny side story about Larry Hughes. On May 2, 2006 Hughes was recipient of the inaugural Austin Carr Good Guy Award, designed to recognize the Cavaliers player who is cooperative and understanding of the media, the community and the public. He received the award in Cleveland, wearing a t-shirt bearing the picture of Vito Corleone from the Godfather movie series (source). Umm, no comment

2: Zydrunas Ilgauskas, $8,743,238, 4. Also known as "weirdo beard", "The Beard", or "Oafy white dude". Z is an All-Star center. I understand that Z is a top 3 center in the east. Here is the problem: He just does not fit with the Cavs up and down pace. How many ankles will Z go through when his time is up? Granted he has been remarkebly healthy over the past 3 years, but $8.7 million for four more years? That 4th ankle is bound to give at any moment. He will be 35 when his conract expires. To put it simply, Bron will be 25. He does not understand the concept of passing when you have 3 men on you, flops more than Vlade, and is just a goofy guy.

"Straight Cash, homey"

1: Eric Snow, $5,484,375, 3. Let me get this straight. We have a 33 year old starting pg, who averaged under 5 ppg and 4 assists per contest, and we have him locked up for 3 more years at $5.5 million? Yes! What is more concerning is Isaiah Thomas has not called about retaining Eric Snow and his "reasonable" contract. Snow is a good guy. He does a ton of charity work and helps out children like you wouldn't believe. However, when he laces up his size 5's, all that goes out the window. You see, he is suppose to be playing a game called basketball. The object of the game is to score more points than the opponent. Eric tries, but even all retarded kids try in the special olympics. While his defense is ok, his offense is absolutely rechid. He looks like the oddball in gymclass who, when given the rock, would rather get herpes than shoot it. Only Eric plays in the NBA. His inability to shoot allows other teams to to give him 20,15, even 10 feet of space to shoot, collapsing down on Z or Lebron. 3 more years of this? Marvelous.

Shannon Brown dunks better than LeBron

2006-07-13T18:40:00.000-04:00

"BOOM goes the dynomite!"

Maybe not, but I'll let you be the judge. Or you could watch this . Either way, we are pretty pumped about Shannon Brown and his ability crack the starting lineup by mid-december. Not to be forgotten is Daniel Gibson, the 6'3 pg Cleveland drafted in the 2nd round. Between Gibson and Brown, LeBron should sign another 3 year deal in 4 years, confusing every basketball fan for the next 5-7 years, which will take about 8-9 years off of our lives. Confused? Me too. Need further convincing of Shannon's ability? Check out "Throw it down" Brown's college highlight video. And no, Shannon "Throw it down" Brown is a nickname given by some fan. I'm not that quick.

Barbaro needs your foot

2006-07-13T17:09:00.000-04:00

"Thanks for the balloons"

I will preface this article by saying I wish Barbaro the best of luck. Unfortunately, there have been reports that Barbaro has an infection in his leg and chances of survival have been categorized to doubtful. I truly hope he pulls through. But that is not what this article is about. It is about the retardedness that has consumed our society into thinking that a horse can actually comprehend what a good luck note is. Have you seen these people? I mean, talk about getting a hobby (see Tim Kurkjian article), this is borderline insanity. Look, paying homage to a beautiful animal is one thing. Sending 99 red balloons in hopes that Barbaro will grasp what they are is another. I am not trying to be insensitive. I am merely attempting to drive home a point: people, get a fucking life. IT'S A HORSE! The only thing Barbaro wants right now is a time traveling machine and perhaps some carrots. Bottom line, best of luck Barbaro. Personally, I liked Mr. Ed better. Nontheless, Good luck. Unfortunately, you will not be receiving any DVD's from me.

what's goofier, him signing a barbaro tribute or his sweet outfit?

Smackin' em up like my name was Dolan-ite

2006-07-13T15:26:00.000-04:00

King of NY

You may think Cleveland sports fans and New York sports fans have nothing in common when it comes to suffering but believe me, we do. To start we haven’t won anything significant since The Yankees in 2000, I know I know, boo-hoo. But the fact of the matter is that Cleveland folk and New York folk alike suffer under the yoke of Dolan family ineptitude. These guys simply can’t get the job done. I was at the NBA draft this year and participated in all the anti-Dolan chants but they still won’t do any good. With an unlimited supply of cash due to their stranglehold on cable in New York he will never run out of funds for overpaying crappy athletes. I’m convinced that he works for Hezbollah and is trying to kill all New York sports fans through either stroke or heart attack. Easy brother, i'm already down one grandparent. Dolan surrounds himself with yes men and never talks to the press or listens to the publics criticism. Isiah has been stringing him along and convincing him that signing Crawford, Marbury, Taylor, Rose, Richardson and James would amount to some wins, I’m feeling defeated just listing our roster. The franchise will be in the dumps for at least four more years but there has been some good news. Dolan publicly threatened Isiah’s job if he doesn’t see “measurable improvements” in the state of the Knick franchise. Needless to say Isiah will be out on his ass before the all-star break. This gang of losers couldn’t beat The Generals. Still no one in New York is surprised. The Knicks have sucked since Don Chaney took over and haven’t changed since, I never though I’d say that things are actually worse than they were with Scott Layden. So while Dolan plays in his vanity jazz band and pushes flavored popcorn to the city we will continue to curse his name in the hopes that he will get hit by a car that I’m driving, as soon as possible.

Jon, NYC Contributor

Tim Kurkjian is weird

2006-07-13T15:01:00.000-04:00

Ohh, Mr. box score, sleep tight under my pillow.

Ok, so it's about 11:45 at night and I'm about to throw in 'Underworld: Revolution' when I hear something that I thought I would never hear: Tim Kurkjian cuts out box scores of baseball games and was upset that he could not do it during the All-Star festivities. Weird, right? Well it gets spookier. Tim Kurkjian has been cutting out box scores of baseball games "for 18 years". Why would someone ever do this you ask? The answer is quite obvious: Tim Kurkjian has absolutely no life outside of baseball. Does this come as a surprise? The guy knows almost as much as Peter "I-Robot" Gammons. Also, he looks like that one actor who was in that one movie. And I am being serious, but I cannot think of the who or the what movie. I'll send $1 to whoever can come up with the actor I am thinking about. That is a promise. Back to the subject at hand, why does Timmer cut out box scores? Shouldn't congress be looking into this instead of Online gambling? Regardless, we like Tim and think he is a solid analyst. In the mean time, perhaps it's time to pick up a new hobby, like any one of these.

YAYsports loves us

2006-07-13T12:44:00.000-04:00

Well kind of, but they did mention us already and this site has existed for 2 days. What I shouldn't tell you is that I begged for Brian(the dude at YAY, who is also a myspace friend) to hook me up with a link. Thanks Yay.
For those who want to see how tight Brian and I are, check this gangsta shit out. Unfortunately (for us, not for YAY) you must scroll down a bit): And fyi, YAY is selling some Snazzy mamba T-shirts at Cafe Press. I think they need more color though.

Hornets go free agent crazy

2006-07-13T11:53:00.000-04:00

"I like play basketball for U.S and A!"

The Hornets have taken a cue from their hometown hosts and have been doing a lot of rebuilding this summer. Today the club announced the signing of former 3 point champ Peja Stojakovic to a five year deal worth $64 million. Stojakovic will be reuniting with his former Sacramento team mate Bobby Jackson as well. The Hornets also traded away their locker-room leader and career overachieving veteran P.J. Brown for career underachiever and asthmatic, Tyson Chandler. Coach Byron Scott said these transactions indicate that the Hornets are serious about being a “competitive basketball team”. Well they certainly will compete, winning and staying healthy is another story. Peja hasn’t had a good season in over three years; he’s killed a couple fantasy teams for me single handedly. Now many of you will probably say that he’s going to get the ball fed to him by a great point guard and should have open looks with a sizable front court, and who cares if he isn’t even a defensive pest. Here comes the obvious part, Peja has more water on his knee than there is Bourbon Street. The man sat out all but one game in the playoffs last year and has been on and off the pine for years now with knee problems. He’s also 29 years old and clearly out of his prime, either way he’ll be making more money than Peyton Manning next year, you figure it out. Chandler is another disaster, I won’t get into the fact that he was traded for Elton Brand but I guess I just did. He’s an offensive disaster and isn’t enough of a defensive specialist to compensate for it. He couldn’t manufacture a decent game against “Brenda” Haywood, or Etan “I write poetry that Scoop Jackson likes” Thomas. Add to the fact that 33 year old Bobby Jackson is now your back up point guard and you have Desmond Mason in your starting line up. He might look nifty when he dunks but he can’t shoot, can’t pass and doesn’t play D. The Hornets have tried to microwave a competetive team together but just like the rebuilding process in New Orleans, The Hornets are a long way from being ready.

Jon, NYC Contributor

Get to know your Cleveland Browns!

2006-07-13T11:07:00.000-04:00

Douchebag Moderator: Hey Browns Fans! Here are 3 exclusive interviews with some players you may recognize. Guys, Introduce yourself to the fans and tell us how you feel the season may go!

Hello there. My name is Reuben Droughns, your starting RB. I was the first browns running back in 20 years to to rush for over 1,000 yards in a single season! I am also the first Browns RB since Jim Brown to rush over 1,000 and get charged wth spousal abuse. Now, I know what you are thinking, who hasn't thrown a significant other through a door. I was just pretending she was Ray Lewis. When she said divorce and I went quasi- OJ on her. But she still loves me. She let me carve my name in her arm.
I know I got charged with a DUI as well. But those charges got dropped, which gives me one more chance to drive drunk. Regardless, I am really PUMPED to be a part of this years team, which will inevitably end in week two when I accidentally throw my wife through a window. I guess I like to practice at all hours, even at home.

He guys, remember me? I'm a SOLDIER! JK! I'm Kellen Winslow. I know I have made some mistakes, but it is about time I earn my paycheck and your respect. You see, after my accident, i found jesus, so all is well. I am invincible with god by my side and I will never put myself in a comprimising position. For now on, only go-carts. No more motorcycles. Seriously though, I am ready to step up, BIG-TIME, for your browns. I will spread the field for Chaz, which will give him more time to get sacked, I will block on running plays, and will make voodoo dolls on motorcycles for all AFC north QB's. I must say, Ben is a copycat. For that, the Steelers will pay! WHERE ARE MY PAINKILLERS! I'M A SOLDIER GOD DAMMIT! GRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi! My name is Lee Suggs and I'm a Leo! (Get it! Lee, Leo). Anywho, you must be curious how my body is doing this summer. You see guys, they keep my body in a hyper-bolic chamber specifically made for glass. They then ship me out 48 hours before game day so I can show my stuff, ultimately resulting in a broken toe, back, jaw, lip, fingernail, and earlobe. I never knew how taxing the NFL would be. Despite my shortcomings, I have a good feeling about this year. I can promise you fans all a waffle cone if I play less than 6 games. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me. Unfortunately, I have a feeling Phil is a little upset with me and will trade me before the season. Rumor has it he is looking for a new hot-dog vendor and a bag of peanuts. Rubbish!

Douchebag Moderator: Ok, that's all the time we have for our guests today. Come back tomorrow for more interviews with the Browns players.

LeBron's agent is Brainiac

2006-07-13T10:58:00.000-04:00

LeBron (Single name, like Bono) may be Superman on the court, but his agent is Brainiac behind the desk. Lebron has signed a 3 year contract extension with a player option for a fourth. This prompted his draft super friends Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade to do the exact same thing. For Wade this didn’t jump out at me as the details of his deal were not yet disclosed. Melo however elected to sign his 5 year max deal and keep him in the “Mile High City” and close to some of America’s largest marijuana producing states. Despite the fact that I’m from New York I’m still convinced LeBron will never leave Cleveland, short of Garnett like disasters for the next 8 years. Still, his agent’s shrewd move ensures him that if the amazing skills of Damon Jones, Larry's good hand, and Big Z can’t support LeBron’s cosmic talents and take him to a title, he can find it elsewhere. Still not saying he will so don’t eat me. I simply find it humorous how only one sports agent among 4 superstars can figure out that you DON’T lock a player into a long term contract when you can sweeten the deal a few years down the road when more cap space is cleared. This way they can all buy that dolphin that speaks sign language, or in Melo’s case a regular dolphin that he will think is talking to him after burning through a brick of cheeba. The short version is that Bosh, Wade and Melo should all be looking for new agents right now, and by the end of their contracts, should all be seeking new hometowns. Let’s face it, Denver is going nowhere anytime soon, Miami already peaked, and Bosh is in Canada, nuff said. Hmmm, perhaps Isiah has just been blowing up the cap so that in 3-4 years he can sign all of them! But we’ll probably end up with Drew Gooden, K-Mart and Mo Petersen, Woop Woop!

Jon, NYC Contributor

LeBron James is a trendy guy

2006-07-13T10:33:00.000-04:00

"Gettin my swerve on!"

LeBron James may not be MVP worthy, but he sure has started a unique trend in contracts. Even his agent, Calvin Andrews, thinks LeBron is trendy. "Yes, LeBron started a new trend." So what trend is he starting? An athlete witha conscience? Is he taking less money because he loves the game too much? " Wade and LeBron signed shorter deals so they could still get max contracts under the current CBA."

Ohh. To be perfectly honest, we do not fault LeBron for maxmizing his revenue. This is, after all a capitlaistic country. LeBron will be in Cleveland for another 4 years, ending in the 2010-11 season. Carmelo Anthony, aka "Stop-Snitchin", decided to not follow in Wade & LeBrons footsteps by agreeing to a 5 year deal with an option onthe 5th year. Perhaps it has something to do with his friends payroll for "medicinal purposes"? Personally, me thinks Melo is trying a bit too hard to be the anti-LeBron. Good luck, stupid-head.

"My agent is better than yours, Marshmelo"

Pronk must destroy Ozzie Guillen

2006-07-12T19:09:00.000-04:00

"I kill for fun"

I have something I need to get off my chest. I hate Ozzie Guillen. He has become a parody of himself (much like Stu Scott). I think he needs to enter sensitivity training, but not for calling Jay Mariotti gay. He needs to enter for hurting Travis Hafner's feelings. I said I would not discuss this, but ohh well. There will be shittier posts in this blog(see below). Has there ever, in the history of baseball, been a player with Hafner's #'s that has NOT been selected to an All star game? AVG .322 HR 25 RBI 74 OBP .461 SLG .650 . Guess what Tribe fans! He is in the top 5 of all above statisticall categories (with the exception of .322). He owned Konerko, invited by Guillen, in all categories AVG .313 HR 21 RBI 67 OBP .384 SLG .559, and had a higher BA and was almost dead even with Thome, who also went, and deservebly so. AVG .298 HR 30 RBI 77 OBP .414 SLG .651 . Here is my point: The All-Star game is anything but. It sucks and has become pointless. I had more fun watching old George Bush clips, which are grand for any occasion.

Eric Wedge must grow a beard

2006-07-12T17:50:00.000-04:00

" Can I be a part of 'Grady's Ladies'?"

Well Tribe fans, the All-Star break has come and gone, and something is begining to spawn on Eric Wedge's face. Now, I know what you are thinking, and no, it's not a frown. In fact, it's quite the opposite. See, Eric Wedge is smiling because he has been reunited with his mustache. Reasons unbeknownst to most fans, Eric Wedge really enjoys his mustache. Last year, fans believed his mustache cursed the Indians in the months of april and May. If his mustache is a curse, why would he being it back? Well, I think Wedge has run out of excuses for the 41-47 season, why not blame it on his face? It makes sense.

In other news, Grady Sizemore got to bat twice last night, and left with a memorable strike out, going 0-2. Nice to see the Indians were represented well. Way to go!
Also, i am sick of discussing the whole Travis Hafner should have been in the all-star game thing, so I'll let this guy at http://firejoemorgan.blogspot.com/ describe it. He does an excellent job of expressing the enigma that is Ozzie Guillen. I guess I care that my favorite player did not get in, but it doesn't matter. If Paul Konerko gets invited, yet Pronk owns him in EVERY statistical category, how special do you have to be to play in a meaningless game? (ohh wait, it determines home field advantage). It's like Howard Stern not being in the radio hall of fame, which happens to be true. Shenanigans!

David Lee impresses at summer league

2006-07-12T15:44:00.000-04:00

Knicks fans may have a reason to be hopeful for the future, according the most recent update from the NBA Summer Leagues. David Lee, the 30^th pick in the draft last year is looking like he packed on a few pounds and has made a quantum leap in his basketball IQ. So that means its time to start pondering what our peerless leader, Isiah Thomas, will trade him for. As we know, Isiah has a long documented disdain for “whitey”, especially when they can ball (See Larry Legend). So it’s really only a matter of time before he ships David Lee and his remarkable potential off for some malcontent who had a good couple of months in his contract year. Lets explore the possiblities.

1. David Lee, Future first round pick, Cash considerations for Darius Miles and a vial of HV5N1 Bird Flu.

2. David Lee, All first round picks until the second coming of Christ, and Larry Brown’s last shred of dignity for Bonzi Wells and a Charlie horse given to all Knicks fans under the age of 13 on fan appreciation night.

3. David Lee, Cash Considerations, all of New York City’s allocated budget for port security for Tyson Chandler (I know he just signed with N.O. but Isiah won’t be able to resist re-uniting the devastating tandem of Curry and Chandler) and a contract extension for Jerome James through 2012.

You probably think I’ve constructed these hypotheses for comedic effect but believe me, there is nothing funny about being a native New Yorker and a Knick fan. Still, I can’t wait until the new season to watch our mega-star backcourt combo inaction (no typo). I personally plan on being courtside for as many games as possible so I can give Eddy Curry that rack of ribs he so desperately wants at half time.

- Jon, NYC Contributor

Ron Artest is my kind of guy

2006-07-12T14:25:00.000-04:00

Ron Artest is a good guy. In fact, he loves people. He loves Bonzi Wells so much that he said of Bonzi "The Brain" Wells , " I told him if he leaves, then I’m going to kill him."
Now, Ron has been getting blasted for this comment. I don't see what the fuss is all about. I mean, fellas, we have all been there. You never dated a chick that threatened to leave you after you hit her for the 5th time, while you scream, "If you leave, I'll cut you bitch!". Well neither have I, but you get the point. Ron is just crazy, madly in love with Bonzi Wells. I mean, why wouldn't he be? He is one of the most over-rated players in the NBA. I can definately see the attraction.

We will say this. Bonzi is the hottest commodity in what's left of the wonderfully craptastic free agent list. That's like saying Paris Hilton is a good singer cause she is on top of the hit list because of her single, "Stars Are Blind". Personally, I think Bonzi Wells is a much better singer than Paris ever will be. But that is just my opinion, and I suck at singing, so take it for what it's worth.

Keepin it real

Tim Couch's career may be over!

2006-07-12T11:27:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, ESPN's Len Pasquarelli reported that Tim Couch's career may be over. In other news, the sky is blue, grass is green, and LeBron may be going,staying,going then staying, staying then going, or all of the above?
Now this is where the funny part of the article takes place: 'After an audition for Indianapolis this May, a workout one Colts official termed "absolutely painful" to watch'. I could spend an hour coming up with witty anecdotes to respond to this quote, but I'll let the reader use it as a mad lib.
It is kind of weird, and has become painfully repetetive, that almost every Browns 1st round draft pick has either been injured, stabbed, or labeled a bust. Thankfully, Kellen has found god.

Anyways, I feel kind of bad for the Couchster. I mean, he made millions of dollars, was banging Heather Kozar (no relation to Bernie) and was a #1 pick. Yea, my condolences. Now go cry.

"I smell a boyfriend who cries"

Stuart Scott needs to stop saying Booya!

2006-07-12T11:18:00.000-04:00

"I will now say BOOYA in c-minor"

Stuart Scott, the most annoying and pretentious Sportscenter anchor on ESPN, must stop saying "booya!" and other annoying quotes like"HOLLA!", "Cool as the other side of the pillow", or my personal favorite, "STRAIGHT BALLIN!"Seriously, enough is enough.

Read what others say about Stu!

Stuart Scott tries too hard to be "too hip for the room."-Adam Rich, Los Angeles, Calif
Do I like being screamed at when I'm watching a sports program? Boo-no!! -Augustin Fiscus, Erie, Pa.
Stuart's boo-yahs are getting as old as the other side of the pillow.-Brian Nuffer, Grand Rapids, Mich
Stuart Scott has become a parody of Stuart Scott. What once was fresh now induces a Pavlovian response to change the channel.-Gino Barasa, Austin, Texas
Scott attempts to make the show about him. He is not the game. -Al Rush, Detroit
I don't hate the player (Scott), I just hate his game. Scott tries too hard to be not very funny.-Chris Uphouse, Pittsburgh, Pa.
I can't understand a word Stuart Scott is saying.-Ward Keenan, Huntington Beach, Calif

Skip Bayless' mouth Vs. Zoe's bowel movement

2006-07-12T10:54:00.000-04:00

For those who don't know, Zoe is my dog. She is a 5 year old Airedale terrier and she is a bundle of joy. For those who don't know, Skip Bayless is my dog. He is a 750 year old miniature pincher and he is a bundle of joy. You see, Zoe and Skip share a common interest: they both like to eat shit and pretend it is ok. The only difference is Zoe is a real dog and Skip Bayless is a writer and "contributor" to ESPN.com and Cold Pizza, one of the most unwatchable shows ever. Here is my problem with Skip: He eats shit and doesn't think twice to wipe his mouth. This was most evident when he called Troy Aikman a homosexual. Now, I am not denying that Aikman is a homosexual. But how does Skip know this? Skip yells, almost as loud as SCREAMIN A. Unlike SCREAMIN A, he usually has no evidence or " SOURCES CLOSE TO fill in name ________" to support his dramatic and titillating reports. This may not be a bad thing, but Skip just sucks. I remember one time when my ol boy Skip proclaimed that Bron was not a viable candidate for the MVP. Skip couldn't have been further from the truth. In fact, Bron should not have been mentioned in the MVP race at all. I mean, how could he when he has a 7'3" beard for a center who doesn't know how to pass when he get's tripple-teamed, a SG who has two good fingers, counting his thumb, and a PG who would feel more comfortable watching Brokeback Mountain with Elton Jon than shooting a 15 foot jumper. To boot, he led the Cavs in scoring and assists, by a lot, and led the team to 50 wins. Yep, i don't want that 21 year old kid on my team. No way.

Stay,go,go,go,go,stay!,go?,stay,go...

2006-07-12T10:32:00.000-04:00

This is how my brain functioned the 2 weeks before,during, and after LeBron decided to make his king solomon-like decision. Well LeBron, i guess you didn't know that STEVEN A. SMITH!!! was on the case. Now, according to espn.com, " LeBron James agreed early Wednesday to a three-year contract extension with the Cleveland Cavaliers, keeping the All-Star forward with the club through at least the 2009-10 season. "
Woopty doo. So I guess SCREAMIN A!!!! was kind of close, if you refer back to his original masterpiece, which said sources close to him said Bron would sign a shorter contract. Well grab my nuts and call me Woody Paige.

Some funny plotlines to follow this NBA off-season:
1. Ron Artest playing summer league ball. Maybe his albums were not selling to the fans attending regular-season games so he is resorting to a different demographic.
2. What new trailblazer(or old) will get arrested and what will they get arrested for? The list includes, but is not limited to:
Any charge involving Marijunana (bonus points if you narrow it down to possesion,intent to distribute,etc...), spousal abuse, DUI,dog fighting, cock fighting, picking up a tranny, gambling,failing to pay child support.
My money is on the latter
3. How will Isaiah Thomas handle the pressure of being head coach of the New york Knickerbockers? Furthermore, how long before Dolan decides to give Spike Lee a coaching audition? over/under 4 months.

Welcome back!

2006-07-12T10:17:00.000-04:00

Every year, we face an uphill battle, usually before the season even starts. For instance, what Cleveland Brown will get stabbed first, or what body part will officially fall off of Lee Suggs before/during/after training camp? These games can be fun for the casual sports fan. For Browns fans, it's just another day in the life of being miserable. I emplore that Romeo Crennel place his rookies in a plastic bubble after every practice. Make sure Kamerion Wimbley, our 1st round selection, understands the importance of not running with scissors, not making toast near a bathtub, or not smoking a cigar while putting gas in his pimped out Escalade with rims bigger than Romeo's ass and a system louder than Reuben Droughns wifes' scream while being thrown through a door. What is the point of this post? Well for one, it is my first blog entry. Two, I just want to have a competetive advantage before the season even starts. When Winslow pulled his best Excite Bike routine a year ago, I laughed, then cried, then laughed some more. Apparently, KW found god. Now will god have the time to find the rest of us? Stay tuned to find out.